I had my first adoption journey MELTDOWN this last month. Up to this point I have fully known that this is the direction the good Lord is leading us and although there are so many unknowns my faith has not wavered in HIM.
Except for one day…
I was at my worst. I was completely overwhelmed by some decisions we had to make regarding aspects of the adoption. Decisions that aren’t easy for me to make cause I’m…well…controlling. I didn’t sleep at all the night before because I felt like I wasn’t in control and so I woke up all freaky controlling & impatient. I lashed out, scowled, yelled on occasion, set really ridiculous expectations for my family that they would never be able to meet & then blamed them when they didn’t accomplish the impossible. I took away every privileged known to man except breathing, stomped around like a 2 year old brat & went to bed angry.
It was an ugly day. A REALLY ugly day. I listened to Satan’s lies and not only did I listen to them, I believed them.
You would think that one might become overwhelmed & frustrated by all the paper work & hoops you have to jump through in order to be approved to adopt. That didn’t bother me one bit. In fact it fed the “I am capable” beast inside me. But now that the true waiting has begun & I have had less busywork to do…now the struggle. Which just reveals (again) how I don’t feel adequate if I’m not DOING something…a lesson God has been patiently teaching me the last 3 years. A lesson I am clearly not getting…or at least not yet. I know the lesson is to trust God wholeheartedly….but that is HARD people! Really, really, REALLY hard! Especially for a planner/doer/controller like myself. I have to fight my flesh so often (like Paul talks about in Romans 7:15-25) that it mostly feels like I never get it right. Thank goodness for Paul’s example!
On THAT ugly day…I saw the worst in me…and I panicked.
Instead of quickly repenting and going to Christ with my struggle, my sin, I chose to listen to Satan….
“You are a horrible mom”
“How can you love two kids who have baggage when you cant even love the 4 kids you have with no baggage?”
“This is going to ruin your marriage”
“You are not capable of living out the gospel” ….and the list goes on
There is truth to so much of this…but that’s how Satan works. He takes a little bit of truth and turns it against you to believe you are worthless. Sometimes he takes truth and uses it the opposite way…to make you feel as if you are better than you really are…but that wasn’t my problem on this ugly day.
The TRUTH is….
I’m not a good mom…without the POWER of Christ working in me.
I cant love 2 more kids well…without the POWER of Christ working in me.
It will ruin my marriage…without the POWER of Christ working in me.
I am not capable of living out the gospel….without the POWER of Christ working in me.
And the real TRUTH…the whole TRUTH…is that I HAVE the POWER of Christ in me. He is why I could repent to my family. He is why they could forgive me. He is why I can move forward with the adoption & have confidence that He will provide all that I need to love. He is why Jay & I are still married. He is why I am capable of living out the gospel. HE is the ONLY reason.
God’s truth is powerful and it picks you up out of the pit. Satan’s half truths bury you alive. Don’t listen to him….EVER!
The day after the “ugly” day was a beautiful day. A day full of redemption & reminders of Christ’s sacrifice so that I don’t have to be THAT ugly person anymore. A day full of grace & truth, forgiveness & understanding. A day full of God’s presence…and lots of tears…only good tears.
Even after my major fail of a day God chose to continue to bless us…cause He’s just awesome like that. We have continued to receive prayer & financial gifts from so many of you and it really does cause us to pause and thank the Lord for your kindness & His provision. But we had two unique ways of giving this last month that I wanted to share.
1. My Soul Sister, April, who lives in South Carolina hosted a NOONDAY party to raise money for our adoption. It was an absolute blessing to share our story with people we didn’t personally know who were eager to support us. The participation from sisters-in-Christ that I don’t actually know was humbling in the best way possible. So many of you that we do know participated too & I just LOVE seeing you wear the jewelry. If you have a minute to look up NOONDAY & their ministry, please do, it will bless you…I promise!
2. Last week my entire family came down for the State Basketball tourney that our oldest was playing in. We adore our family & so appreciate their support. This week one of our nieces, Ella (age 10), brought this Auntie to tears…like the kind of tears where you cant speak. Here’s why.
Ella wanted to help raise money for our adoption so her sweet Mama helped her figure out how to do this. They decided they would do a bake sale so they sent emails out to their church family & home-school friends sharing with them Ella’s desire to raise money for her soon to be cousins adoption. The response was overwhelming. Ella spent two days making, cutting out, frosting cookies & packaging them up beautifully. They set out hoping to sell 50 cookies…She sold almost 400 cookies and raised just under $600. Her Mama said she didn’t stop working until the last cookie was frosted. You know how it is…sometimes our kids have good ideas, we help them out, only to finish it for them…not in this case. Ella worked heartily unto the Lord…to the very end.
She set the money by my bed so that I would find it. She didn’t want to draw attention to herself, bless her heart. When I found the envelope & read her sweet letter telling us of her experience & saw the donation…the flood gates opened. I couldn’t hug her tight enough.
Thank you to Ella’s Friends & Family who have shown us love by supporting Ella in her hard work & care for the orphan. I think what blesses me most is the thought of how connected she will always feel to her cousins. When she looks at them she will always remember God does BIG things and He is kind. THAT my friends is priceless.
Adoption Update:
Our completed Dossier is being translated as we speak. Don’t know when that will be finished but we wait knowing God’s timing is PERFECT! Once translated, we then wait for our referral (which will be an email with pictures & history of the kids). Please continue to pray for our kids in Burundi. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of them & deeply desire to have them here with us.
Much love,
Heather
Heather,
Hello! I'm Karey – my family and I are in the process (through AGCI) to adopt from Burundi as well. I found your blog through a (shameless – haha!) FaceBook stalking session after you joined the adoption group. Anyway, we're completing the finishing touches on both our home study and our dossier in the next month (or two…) and then they'll be off to translation as well. We have four biological kids and are adopting one (at a time…) from Burundi. 🙂 Anyway, I'm excited to get to know you and to back-read your blog! I love it already! When we got our contracts signed and got started on the paper chase my blog sort of fell off my wagon (I think my last post was end of December!) so you're making me want to pick it back up again!
So nice to "meet" you! Oh – and I love your love of Jesus – it is SO evident in your writing and it blesses me to see other Mamas doing what I'm doing (raising big families and stepping out in faith and trusting His lead through it all) and knowing they can't do it without the power of Christ. AMEN a million times over to this transparent post you wrote! Love it!
Karey